Here's a few examples of what gets my goat, things that should just stop happening.
Stop the doom merchants from
warning that the planet is running out of drinking water. There are aisles of
the stuff in shops, bottles of still water, sparkling water, flavoured still
water, flavoured sparkling water, all from hundreds and hundreds of secret
springs in hills and valleys all over the place. Next time a doom merchant
speaketh thus, drag him or her by the hair to your local superstore and hit
them over the head with a six-pack.
Stop producing more and more
variations of yoghurt. Surely fifty feet of it in an average supermarket is
enough gloop.
Stop pretending that
toothpaste alone can whiten teeth. Toothpaste with some whitening additive
cannot whiten teeth unless the said teeth were white in the first place and
then who would know. Whitening toothpaste keeps yellow teeth yellow and brown
teeth brown. If you really want whiter teeth but don’t want to spend a fortune
on it, then gargle with bleach every day for a week. I guarantee your teeth
will gleam but the downside is you’ll be dead.
(Note
to cretins: This is a joke. It is not advice, FFS.)
Stop
making it sound as if all those fantasy films riddled with special hoohaa
effects, wizardry, humungous battle scenes and heroic camera angles are in any
way moral and spiritual guides to life. If you want profound thinking on
humanity, look up old Peanuts cartoons. There were no swords, sandals and
seriously spoken shite in that world. To quote Snoopy: “Zzzzzzzzzzz”.
Stop hotel owners from
displaying “Best Hotel” and “Most Hygienic Hotel” certificates on walls if the
certificates are more than a year old. Same with restaurants - Best Food Award 2001. In 2017, if you see a “Cleanest Hotel Of
The Year” award dated 2005, with nothing more up-to-date, something’s up. Run
before the rats catch you or you hear a cockroach cough.
Stop that loud beeping noise
at hole-in-the-wall bank machines. What possible reason could there be for it
than to alert muggers and bandidos that you are drawing out cash. Furthermore, it is not too far a stretch to consider
that the banks might just be in cahoots with the robbers (and the beep noise
companies) to make a tidy bit on the side. But, silly me, banks would never do
anything illegal, would they?
Stop turning everything into
a conspiracy theory. And calling the theories names that end in “gate” after
Watergate. After a while it all sounds ridiculous. Endless web-weaving will not
bring back JFK or Elvis but twisting their stories is a lucrative industry and,
unlike those two men, it is an industry that is unlikely to die.
We’ve had enough of
Conspiracygate, so stop taking the Pissgate.
Stop installing those
dragons-with-asthma handdriers in public toilets and speed up the installation
of turbo-charged mega-blasters.
The breathy, sighing
machines are as useful as a chocolate fireguard but the blasters not only dry
hands quickly, they also create more noise than a space shuttle and blank out
the guy in the stall farting or worse, having a loud chat on his mobile phone
while taking a dump.
Stop the growing habit of
some city and town plodders from trying to carry a mobile phone, a bottle of
water, a can of energy drink and a sausage roll at the same time. If we can’t stop them, evolution history
suggests that humans of the future will develop four hands to carry round all
our ‘essential’ crap.
Stop saying “it’s in my DNA”
to emphasise something about yourself. Or maybe it’s in your DNA to be an arse.
Stop singers and bands from
going onto TV charity programmes to promote their new records. If they feel
compelled to make an appearance, it would be refreshing to hear them say:
“We’re not here to promote anything. This is not about us. Here’s £100,000.
Good night.” Like that will ever
happen.
Stop the powder-keg practice
of everyone waiting in the same room at the doctor’s surgery. Have separate
rooms for the coughers, the sneezers, the wheezers, the sweaty, the fidgety,
the sniffers, the scratchers and, well, you get my drift. And while I’m at it,
change the pile of magazines every hour for fresh ones.
And relax.......
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