Thursday, 13 December 2018


Some Christmas cheer from my Ho! Ho! Ho! collection.


To gadget geeks – Appy Christmas
To bakers – Bappy Christmas
To dentists – Cappy Christmas
To good blokes – Chappy Christmas
To audiences – Clappy Christmas
To birds – Flappy Christmas
To Tube guards – Gappy Christmas
To motor racers – Lappy Christmas
To explorers – Mappy Christmas
To babies – Nappy Christmas
To urban singers – Rappy Christmas
To boxers – Scrappy Christmas
To make-up artists – Slappy Christmas
To crocodiles – Snappy Christmas
To plumbers – Tappy Christmas
To puppies – Yappy Christmas
To video game players – Zappy Christmas


Good King Wenceslas looked out
And did a double take,
Despite all his initial doubt,
He rubbed his eyes awake.
Brightly shone the sun that day,
Sweltering hot and sticky,
He thought as this is Boxing Day,
The forecast’s a bit dicky.

“Bring me shorts Bermuda-style,
Bring me sun tan lotion,
Bring me cola by the crate
And ice cubes by the ocean.
Bring my sunbed by the pool,
I can’t believe this weather,
I can swim around all day
In the altogether.”

Good King Wenceslas’s dream
Ended with a bump,
He fell out of his bed it seems
And bruised his ample rump,
Groggy from his accident
And dazed and half-asleep,
He gaped out through the curtain gap
To see snow six-feet deep.


Santa likes to dig-dig-dig,
Santa likes to grow-grow-grow,
Santa likes to rake-rake-rake,
But most of all,
Santa likes to hoe-hoe-hoe


Strictly come 
Strictly come 
Strictly come 
Strictly come 
Strictly come 
Strictly come 
Strictly come 
Strictly come 


Christmas shopping,
Christmas shopping,
Really makes me dizzy.
Why can’t Christmas
Be in June
When the shops aren’t quite so busy? 


Two cows talking
In the language called Moo –
“Mooey Christmas”
“And mooey Christmas to you.”

Season's greeting friends!

Sunday, 9 December 2018


Books I read this year that informed and entertained, and made me a better reader and writer.

Not all of the books featured were published in 2018, but I read them all during the course of the year.

Saturday, 8 December 2018


Tomorrow, 9 December, 2018, Kirk Douglas turns 102.

Here's a blog post I wrote on his 100th birthday, which I had the pleasure of discussing with Michael Bradley on BBC Radio Ulster's Arts Show.

John Wayne had the walk, Robert Mitchum had those hangdog eyes, Burt Lancaster had the athleticism and lyrical delivery, James Stewart had the hesitant drawl and Kirk Douglas had the dimpled chin. They and others lit up the screen in their own unique ways and established themselves as class actors in distinguished careers.  All but one has passed away and the exception is Kirk Douglas who turns 100 on 9 December this year. His story is literally a rags to riches tale. He was born Issur Danielovitch Demsky in Amsterdam, New York to poor Russian immigrant parents. He was one of seven children, the only boy. His father was a ragman and junk seller who would drive his horse and cart around the neighbourhood trying to scrape together nickels and dimes. “I came from abject poverty, “he said, “there was nowhere to go but up.” He also recalled: “My mother and father were illiterate immigrants. When I was a child they were constantly amazed that I could go to a (library) building and take a book on any subject. They couldn’t believe this access to knowledge we have here in America. They couldn’t believe it was free.”
Young Issur would do odd jobs to help the family finances but as he grew older, he developed a strong urge to leave home and the pressures of living with a large family in restricted living space. He saw college as his escape. He acted in some school plays and even wrestled for a time but it was acting that became his primary ambition. After securing a scholarship, he studied at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. One of his classmates would become famous as Lauren Bacall.
Issur changed his name to Kirk Douglas* around 1941 when he joined the US Navy and participated in the Second World War. He was discharged on medical grounds in 1944. In 1943, he married Diana Dill with whom he had two sons, including Michael who would follow in his father’s on-screen footsteps. It was the first of two marriages.
Kirk Douglas loved the theatre and seemed to be content with the work but his friend Lauren Bacall helped him win his first screen role in The Strange Love of Martha Ivers (1946), starring Barbara Stanwyck and Van Heflin. It was more than enough to get him noticed in Hollywood. His biggest breakthrough was three years later when he played ambitious and ruthless boxer Midge Kelly in Champion. It showed off Douglas’s powerful intensity as an actor and his peak physical condition in the fight sequences, attributes that he developed in more dramatic and action films during his career. In 1947, Douglas starred alongside Robert Mitchum and Jane Greer in Build My Gallows High considered by many critics and film buffs to be a superb example of film noir. Once again, Hollywood took notice. 
Throughout the 1950s, Kirk Douglas built a reputation as a compelling leading actor and a major box-office star. Films like Ace In The Hole (1951), Detective Story (1951), The Bad And The Beautiful (1952), Lust For Life (1956) (as Vincent Van Gogh) and Paths Of Glory (1957) proved beyond any doubt that he could handle highly dramatic roles. But it was westerns that honed his reputation as an action man. Always physically fit, he adapted naturally to the genre; The Big Sky (1952), Man Without A Star (1955), The Indian Fighter (1955) and as Doc Holliday to Burt Lancaster’s Wyatt Earp in Gunfight At The O.K. Corral (1957). But he was no stranger to historical epics; Ulysses (1954), The Vikings (1958) and into the 1960s with one of his biggest successes Spartacus as the heroic slave who takes on the might of the Romans. In 1962, he starred with Walter Matthau in one of his finest and favourite films, Lonely Are The Brave, a tour-de-force story of a tough cowboy loyal to the old ways and resisting the modern world.
Apart from epics and westerns, Douglas made some successful war films including Seven Days In May (1964), The Heroes Of Telemark (1965), In Harm’s Way (1965), Cast A Giant Shadow (1966) and Is Paris Burning? (1966). He was canny enough to form his own production company early in his film career, emulating Burt Lancaster who did much the same to retain control over his projects. They made seven films together concluding with Tough Guys (1986) hamming it up beautifully as two old gangsters.  Of being master of his own destiny he said: “I don’t need a critic to tell me I’m an actor. I make my own way. Nobody’s my boss. Nobody’s ever been my boss.”
Douglas was nominated three times for Academy Awards and was awarded an honorary Oscar in 1991. In 1981 he received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Jimmy Carter and a host of lifetime achievement awards from various organisations. He won a Golden Globe and a New York Film Critics Award recognising his outstanding performance as Van Gogh in Lust For Life. 
In January 1996, at 79, he suffered a severe stroke, impairing his speech but he fought back and recovered his ability to speak. He wrote about the experience in A Stroke Of Luck. His autobiography, A Ragman’s Son, is an honest and delightful story of his upward journey from poverty. On Michael Parkinson’s BBC chat show in 1978, he described his rags to riches life as a typical, corny American immigrant story.  Along with his second wife Anne, he has donated considerably to charities and causes close to their hearts.
Kirk Douglas is by any measure one of the greatest actors we have ever witnessed. From the outset he was committed to extremely high standards of performance and production. He devoted himself to his career and he took control of it. His screen CV is staggering, varied and impressive. His energetic work rate over his prime years is breathtaking. He was a risk taker – “In order to achieve anything, you must be brave enough to fail”. 
It is too tempting to say that he is the last of that breed of superior actors from the 1940s to have lit up the big screen, but he might well be. “People are always talking about the old days. They say that the old movies were better, that the old actors were so great. But I don’t think so. All I can say about the old days is that they have passed.”
In conclusion, here’s a line from Spartacus - ”Maybe there's no peace in this world, for us or for anyone else, I don't know. But I do know that, as long as we live, we must remain true to ourselves.” Kirk Douglas at 100 just emphasises his greatness as a magnificent star and as an amazing human being.

*The story goes that in his early years, he met a fellow actor called George Sekulovich who advised him to change his name. It is lost in the mists of time why he chose Kirk Douglas but young George had already decided to change his name to Karl Malden.

Friday, 7 December 2018


Recent 'news' that Fairytale of New York contains an offensive word - faggot. Faggot.

I've had a look at the lyrics of this scurrilous piece of objectionable writing and I am appalled at how much time has passed since it's first airing before anyone has raised an apoplectic objection to its contents.

Items that surely must offend someone.

Christmas - for feck's sake, it's the Holidays now.

Drunk tank - alcohol is the devil's drop, next to salt, sugar and red meat.

Old man - ageist!!!!

Got on a lucky one, came in at eighteen to one - betting. Sheesh!

Bum, punk, aul whoor on junk - really?

Scumbag - mother, block your ears.

Maggot - dirty!

Cheap, lousy faggot - aghast, unless we're talking about the rather tasty but humble meat dish favoured by the ne'er do wells.

Arse - gutter language.

And I haven't even started on Chuck Berry's My Ding-A-Ling.

HARRY CHAPIN 7.12.42 - 16.7.1981

Harry Chapin, high up on my list of favourite singer/songwriters, was born this day, 7 December, in 1942. He was killed at 38 in a road traffic accident in 1981.

Shortly after the tragic news, I wrote this song.


You took me to some places
and not once did I say no
from the deck of a sinking ship
to some local radio
You took me higher than an eagle
and you never let me down
you taught me simple lessons
of a world a-spinning round

It's so sad that Harry's gone but I can bring him back
with an electronic needle on a hundred album tracks
It's so sad to lose a singer before the final song
now the angels buy his music
it's so sad that Harry's gone

You made my dreams a little sweeter
and my smile a little wide
You made me laugh a little louder
and cry deep down inside
You took me by the hand
and you told your stories well
but when the wheel stopped turning
there was still much more to tell

It's so sad that Harry's gone but I can bring him back
with an electronic needle on a hundred album tracks
It's so sad to lose a singer before the final song
now the angels buy his music
it's so sad that Harry's gone

Thursday, 6 December 2018


Paul came to my rescue one time. I was walking down our street, Bingnian Drive, towards Benbradagh Gardens, not too far from home, when three or four bigger boys started to harass me, nothing violent, just pushing and shoving and getting in my way. I was a timid kid and this was one of those incidents that could have turned into a fight, especially if uncharacteristically, I had lashed out. If I had run, they would have chased me down, and then what? I just wished they would get bored and move on. 

You know in those Superman films when all hope seems to be lost until whoosh, there he is. I kid you not, from out of nowhere, Paul and one of his mates appeared. Paul’s boot connected with a boy’s backside in an eye-watering kick. They scattered. I was saved from any trouble and he was the hero of the day. Looking after little brothers is part of what big brothers should do. 



Dick Van Dyke is heading for his 93rd birthday on 13 December 2018.

55 years ago, in 1961, The Dick Van Dyke Show was launched on US television.  Dick played comedy writer Rob Petrie and Mary Tyler Moore played his wife Laura.  It was a huge success, running to 156 episodes in its five-year life. It was great family TV back in the days when we only had a couple of channels and we were still in awe of American shows featuring cops, cowboys and comedians

I thought I'd just blog a little bit about Dick Van Dyke.  On screen, he has had various phases in his career from the aforementioned TV show to other small screen series and, of course, films.

In 1964, he co-starred with Julie Andrews in the enduringly popular Mary Poppins and became legendary, as Bert the chimney sweep, for the worst Cockney accent of all time.  But, whatever we think of his mangled attempt at being a Londoner, because of that role, we haven't forgotten him and probably never will.  Two years later, he struck gold again with the much-loved Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, playing Caractacus Potts.  Both films pop up regularly on TV, as indeed they should.

When The Dick Van Dyke Show ended in 1966, he made a so-so movie called Lt. Robin Crusoe, USN and followed that up with a couple of other efforts. In the 1970s, he made The New Dick Van Dyke Show, unrelated to the original premise and guest-starred in a great episode of Columbo as a murdering photographer.  That one surfaces every now and then, and it is worth catching.  More guest roles followed including an episode of Jake and the Fatman, starring William Conrad.  Van Dyke played a character called Dr. Mark Sloan, a role repeated in a couple of TV movies before being developed into a 178-episode hit series called Diagnosis Murder which ran from 1993 to 2001. Diagnosis Murder co-starred Dick's son Barry, and other Van Dykes appeared in various episodes through its long life.

When he started making The Dick Van Dyke Show in 1961, he was thirty-six.  When he started on Diagnosis Murder, he was sixty-eight.  In 2006, again with son Barry, he made several TV films under the banner Murder 101.  He was in his eighties.  Around that time, he starred in Night at the Museum as Cecil alongside Mickey Rooney, Ben Stiller and an all-star cast.  He was in a Museum sequel too.  I only mention the ages because I am trying to emphasise that Dick Van Dyke is a trouper, with show business in his blood, multi-talented, with the ability to warm the screen any time he appears.

Recently he was a hit all over again when a YouTube clip of him singing Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in a diner went viral.

And he makes an appearance in the new 2018 film, Mary Poppins Returns!

A couple of years ago, I wrote to Dick Van Dyke to tell him how much of a fan I am of his work.  Out of the blue, one day, I received a lovely signed photograph from him - "Hi Joe! God bless, Dick Van Dyke".

 Happy birthday, sir.

Friday, 30 November 2018


A study released in November 2018 lists the most influential films of all-time, as reported by the University of Turin. Interesting. It sounds like pretty detailed research involving a computer programme analysing over 47,000 movies.

* highlights the ones I have seen. Those highlighted in red, I might seek out. But pleased to see many old friends in there, especially Citizen Kane, Casablanca and The Searchers.

The more I study the list the more I think it is hard to disagree with it, although we would not all have the same personal top 20 list. And that's how it should be, of course.

Top 20 films by influence

  1. The Wizard of Oz (1939) *
  2. Star Wars (1977) *
  3. Psycho (1960) *
  4. King Kong (1933) *
  5. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) *
  6. Metropolis (1927)
  7. Citizen Kane (1941) *
  8. The Birth of a Nation (1915)
  9. Frankenstein (1931) *
  10. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) *
  11. Casablanca (1942) *
  12. Dracula (1931) *
  13. The Godfather (1972) *
  14. Jaws (1975) *
  15. Nosferatu (1922)
  16. The Searchers (1956) *
  17. Cabiria (1914)
  18. Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) *
  19. Gone With the Wind (1939) *
  20. Battleship Potemkin (1925)
Source: University of Turin/Internet Movie Database. Films rated by number of times content and techniques have been referenced by other productions.

Monday, 26 November 2018


It's always a treat to browse Castle Fine Art in Meadowhall, Sheffield. Earlier this year, I blogged about their Bob Dylan collection and today, there was more Dylan from his lyrics/artwork combination, Mondo Scripto.

Here's a link to the Bob Dylan selection:

Billy Connolly's Born On a Rainy Day art is also on display:

Here's a link to the Billy Connolly selection:

Both sets of work are very different, as you would expect, but they are stunning in their own right.

Hit the links and have a tour to see illustrations of the pieces.

And here's a link to Castle Fine Arts where you can find a gallery/shop near you:

And here's a link to Castle Fine Arts at Meadowhall, Sheffield:

Pop in when you can. The displays are wonders, each and every one. And they are very nice people.

Thank you for the Billy Connolly brochure.

Thursday, 22 November 2018


I had an after school job at the Mace supermarket on the Glen Road.
I can answer that question “Where were you when JFK was assassinated?”  
I was on one of my delivery jaunts, on a “Granville” bike. I remember 
Overhearing a passer-by telling a man across the street what had happened.

“Kennedy? Shot? Where?”
“In the head.”
“No, where was he?”
“Seen that in cowboy pictures. Lot of gunslingers there, you know.”

I knew it was fairly important news but I was preoccupied with my own fate  
At the jaws of a yapping dog behind the railings of a house in Fruithill Park.  
I was scared stiff and could not pluck up the courage to open the squeaky gate.  
Luckily, after tense minutes the owner joked:  “His bite’s worse than his bark.”

She called off the dog and beckoned me up the driveway.  I delivered her box
Of groceries, she put a half crown tip in my sweaty hand – big money back then -
And I scarpered before the dog was let loose again to bite lumps out of my arse,
Legging it, knowing that oil-free hinges would squeal the mutt back into action.


I had escaped with my life.  Unlike the poor President.