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Monday 27 January 2014

EASILY LEAD

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)

Only Drools & Corsets
TO LOOK INSIDE, PLEASE GO TO AMAZON......





EASILY LEAD

A pencil with a cold
And a stuffed up nose
Was in love and knew
What he had to do.

He approached a sheet of paper
And without much ballyhoo
Said: “You know me,
I dot my “i”s on you.”

Friday 24 January 2014

GULP - ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)

Only Drools & Corsets
TO LOOK INSIDE, PLEASE GO TO AMAZON......




GULP

My boyfriend swallowed an abacus,
It’s too long to go into why,
He seems a little weird to outsiders
But, though a little bit strange, he gets by.

I love him, I love him, I love him,
I love him in huge amounts,
Whatever this abacus has done to him,
It’s what’s inside that counts.

Thursday 23 January 2014

DING DONG DUNG

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)

Only Drools & Corsets
TO LOOK INSIDE, PLEASE GO TO AMAZON......




DING DONG DUNG

This farmer’s daughter was swayed and wooed
And said yes to a proposal of marriage.
Came the day of the wedding
And off she was whisked in a carriage.

As the groom was waiting at the altar rail,
There came a whiff from the door,
As the bride approached, the smell got stronger,
An aroma you couldn’t ignore.

Said the groom to the bride: “Is that manure on your head?”,
Just as the bells were rung,
“Why yes,” said the farmer’s daughter,
 “I’ve just had my hair dung.”

Wednesday 22 January 2014

FOOD OF LOVE (ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS)

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)

Only Drools & Corsets
TO LOOK INSIDE, PLEASE GO TO AMAZON......




FOOD OF LOVE

You,
With the wowser body
And kissable lips,
Are almost as addictive
As sausage
And chips.

You,
With a front and back
On arousing display,
Are second only
To lasagne
Any day.

Tuesday 21 January 2014

12 (WELL, 13) DAYS OF COURTING

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)

Only Drools & Corsets
TO LOOK INSIDE, PLEASE GO TO AMAZON......




A sort of tale of the unexpected................


On the FIRST day of courting,
My true love sent to me
A gift box
With a small lock of her hair.

On the SECOND day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the THIRD day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the FOURTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the FIFTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the SIXTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the SEVENTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the EIGHTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the NINTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the TENTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Ten empty beer cans,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the ELEVENTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Eleven ultimatums,
Ten empty beer cans,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the TWELFTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Twelve effigies,
Eleven ultimatums,
Ten empty beer cans,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair.

On the THIRTEENTH day of courting,
I don’t know what she sent,
'Cos the strain and the stress
Made me change my address
And in answer to the choice –
Man or mouse? Mouse.
But at least a mouse
In a police safe house!

Friday 17 January 2014

SAMPLE VALENTINE POEM - ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS


Sample poem from Only Drools & Corsets:

IN THE BRINY, VALENTINY SEA

Even underneath the sea,
Creatures love to play
And indulge in a little wooing
On St Valentine’s Day.

I think I’ve got this right,
As far as I understand,
An octopus’s favourite song
Is “I want to hold your
Hand, hand, hand, hand,
Hand, hand, hand, hand.


In time for Valentine's Day, a little book of laughs and a few tender moments.

Kindle download link:


Soon in paperback here:



The Cover


Product Details
 




The Blurb

"Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's Day & beyond. I was trying to think of a snappy title for this little book. Last year, I published a Christmas amusement called Only Yules & Verses, a slight take on a famous television series title. So, I went back to the pun trough once again. It’s a quirky collection in need of a quirky title. There aren’t many drools in here nor nether-garments, knickers, nor swear words nor anything blatantly offensive – unless the word fart causes distress.
Most of this book tries to be funny. The last several pages are a little more thoughtful. I hope you enjoy the selection and share it with those you love." 

Thursday 16 January 2014

POEM FROM "ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS"

Another sample poem from Only Drools & Corsets:


COMPARING

Here I sit in the UK,
Comparing you to a summer’s day –

You have a face like thunder,
You have highs and lows,
You fluctuate
Like the drifting snows.

You’re cold as ice,
You’re mercurial, chronic,
You’ve got rainbow eyes
From gins and tonic.

You’re dense as fog,
You’re an ice-cold blast,
Hard to predict
Like the weather forecast.

You’re a tidal wave,
You’re sleet and hail,
And every notch
On the Richter scale.

You’re foggy and frosty,
You’re murky and misty
And I can’t recall
When you last kissed me.

As I compare you,
Think I’ve got you pinned,
And by the way,
You have terrible wind.




In time for Valentine's Day, a little book of laughs and a few tender moments.

Kindle download link:


Soon in paperback here:



The Cover


Product Details





The Blurb

"Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's Day & beyond. I was trying to think of a snappy title for this little book. Last year, I published a Christmas amusement called Only Yules & Verses, a slight take on a famous television series title. So, I went back to the pun trough once again. It’s a quirky collection in need of a quirky title. There aren’t many drools in here nor nether-garments, knickers, nor swear words nor anything blatantly offensive – unless the word fart causes distress.
Most of this book tries to be funny. The last several pages are a little more thoughtful. I hope you enjoy the selection and share it with those you love." 

Wednesday 15 January 2014

ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS - LOVE, VALENTINE'S, ETC

In time for Valentine's Day, a little book of laughs and a few tender moments.

Kindle download link:


Soon in paperback here:



The Cover


Product Details





The Blurb

"Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's Day & beyond. I was trying to think of a snappy title for this little book. Last year, I published a Christmas amusement called Only Yules & Verses, a slight take on a famous television series title. So, I went back to the pun trough once again. It’s a quirky collection in need of a quirky title. There aren’t many drools in here nor nether-garments, knickers, nor swear words nor anything blatantly offensive – unless the word fart causes distress.
Most of this book tries to be funny. The last several pages are a little more thoughtful. I hope you enjoy the selection and share it with those you love." 


A Sample:


UH HU HU


Said Elvis to the butcher:
“I think I’ve had enough,
With these mail order steaks,
They’re always mighty tough.”

Said the butcher in reply:
“Just return to sender
And I’ll make a mental note
that Elvis loves meat tender.”