Total Pageviews

Saturday, 29 November 2014

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING


Christmas shopping,
Christmas shopping,
Really makes me dizzy.
Why can’t Christmas
Be in June
When the shops aren’t quite so busy?

Thursday, 27 November 2014

A YOUNG MAN DIES

A young man dies and we gather to grieve,
Attempt an answer to the question why,
Summon the composure to say goodbye,
Confused and confounded he had to leave.
Up to the moment, that second of fate,
Good years past but the best ahead,
Of the end not a hint, a trace, a shred,
That impatient cruelty would not wait.
If fortune smiles we grow up and we learn,
We gain wisdom, wit and experience,
Have a chance of success's radiance,
Have hope we survive each twist and turn.
We assemble to mourn a young man's death,
To remember him - first cry to last breath.




Wednesday, 26 November 2014

CHRISTMAS BOOK

Re this book - a reviewer on Amazon wrote:

"Only Yules and Verses is one of those special little books that you happen upon serendipitously. I have read authors' blurbs before extolling the mirth to be found in THEIR book only to buy the book and be severely disappointed. What an unexpected joy, therefore, to pick up this little gem and read it to the end with smiles, a few laughs out loud and some headshakes at the ingenuity of Joe Cushnan. I thoroughly enjoyed this and wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone. P.S. I am not a friend or family member of the author, but how I wish I were!"




Only Yules & Verses available now from http://www.feedaread.com/

Contents:

Day One
Miss L Toe
Hannibal Lector's Christmas
Jingle Tills
Christmas Queue
Customers' Carol
Carol Singer, The Carol Singer
Turkey Trot
Rain Dear
All Presents And Incorrect
Grumpy Old Yule
Tell Add Hics
The Postman Always Rings
Christmas Crib Outside St Teresa's Church
Hijackers
Celebrity Books At Christmas
Christmas Crush Fears In Oxford Street
Sage And Onions
Ho-Ho-Hosiery
Christmas Shopping
Mooey
Sssshhhh
Christmas Alphabet
Grrrrristmas
Window Dresser
12 Days
Snow Poem
Deer, Deer
Starring Santa
Yuletide Decoration
Curly Christmas
You're A Card
Myrrh Grrrrr
Red Christmas Card
Blurry Christmas
Santa Claus/Claws
Not So Silent Night 1
Not So Silent Night 2
No Way
The Little Drummer Boy
Rudolph The Blue-Nosed Reindeer
Santa In The Garden
Strictly Christnas
Wenceslas Weather
Christmas Gaga
Hit The Deck
Snowmen Ice-Cream Cone
Nosey
Joy

Jokes section

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

GOVERNMENT SKINT UNTIL.....

Department for Business, Innovation and Skills,
Too expensive,
No money.


Department for Communities and Local Government,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Culture, Media and Sport,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Education,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for International Development,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Transport,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Work and Pensions,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Energy and Climate Change,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Health,
Too expensive,
No money.

Foreign and Commonwealth Office,
Too expensive,
No money.

Home Office,
Too expensive,
No money.

Ministry of Justice,
Too expensive,
No money.

Northern Ireland Office,
Too expensive,
No money.

Scotland Office,
Too expensive,
No money.

Wales Office,
Too expensive,
No money.

Office of the Leader of the House of Commons,
Too expensive,
No money.

Office of the Leader of the House of Lords,
Too expensive,
No money.

Ministry of Defence,
Richer than the rest,
Ta-da!
Bottomless war chest.

Monday, 24 November 2014

THERESA MIGHT, THERESA MAY


Here's a repeat of my June 2012 poem Theresa Might, Theresa May......
Details of internet use in the UK will have to be stored for a year to allow police and intelligence services to access it, under government plans. Records will include people's activity on social network sites, webmail, internet phone calls and online gaming.  Home Secretary Theresa May said the change was needed to keep up with how criminals were using new technology. (Reported 14 June 2012)
Theresa Might, Theresa May,
any moment, any day,
will have the snooping powers to
see what we all say and view.

Theresa May, Theresa Might,
have her own satellite
to hear who we are talking too,
to spy on things we like to do.

Theresa Might, Theresa May,
privacy has had its day,
freedom's gained a ball and chain,
in authority's clamping down campaign.

Theresa May, Theresa Might,
talking sense or talking shite,
how'd she handle protest hits
from fifty million texting Brits?

Theresa Might, Theresa May,
says change is needed to block the way
of each criminal gang and terrorist cell -
sledgehammer/nut, who can tell?

UNDER THE PRETENCE OF FREEDOM


Under the pretence of freedom,
a few control the many,
keeping tensions heightened,
keeping us all frightened.

They agitate, alarm, appal,
brow beat, bully, chill,
daunt, deter, dismay,
harrow, haunt, horrify,
intimidate, oppress, overawe,
panic, perturb, rattle,
spy, snoop, sneak,
scare, shake, stun,
terrify, terrorise, threaten,
torment, unnerve and keep us on the run.

Under the pretence of freedom,
a few control the many,
keeping tensions heightened,
keeping us all frightened.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (SINISTER VERSION)


This is an alternative take on the 12 days of Christmas from my book Only Yules & Verses (available here - http://www.feedaread.com/ ........sing along kids........





12 DAYS

On the first day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

A matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 



On the second day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the third day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the fifth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 
 

On the sixth day of Christmas, 
A joker sent to me, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the seventh day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the eighth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the ninth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the tenth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Ten beetles beetling, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Eleven crickets clicking
Ten beetles beetling, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the twelfth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Twelve wasps a-stinging, 

Eleven crickets clicking, 
Ten beetles beetling, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
with a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the thirteenth day of Christmas,
Of  these “gifts” I’d had my fill,
So I grabbed the phone and made a call
To pest* controllers….. Rentokil.

*And that includes the joker!

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

COLD CALLERS

Cold callers,  script-readers on the phone line,
"Allo, mate" the usual opening blurt,
From a geezer-sounding pipsqueak of a squirt.
Chumminess and sales patter both combine
To raise my hackles and to boil the blood -
Double-glazing, new driveway, roof repairs,
Insurance, pensions, random questionnaires -
Just snake-oil blether, full of crap and crud.
They want money, think I'm an easy touch,
Out for the vulnerable gal or chap,
The weakling, the patsy, the eventual sap,
To sign a contract for such and such.
The reaction to all this crap and crud?
Just slam the phone down with a thud.


Monday, 17 November 2014

GOOD NEWS - ROCKING HORSE MANURE

Good news, shunted aside, outweighed by bad,
On TV, on radio and in print,
Try to spot the positives, eyes a-squint,
Trying to find the upbeat drives you mad.
Obsession with the bleak, the vile, the sad,
Squeezing out any trace, the slightest hint,
Not much sign of sparkle, shine or glint,
Instead the tainted lustre of the cad,
The faces of murderers and the crooks,
Their evil piercing eyes chilling the spine,
Hogging the main headlines with pithy hooks.
So much bad and ugly news to endure
Good news is rare as rocking horse manure.

Friday, 14 November 2014

WEATHER BLETHER


BLOWY

The howls, the gusts,
The hedgerow sways,
The tree bends,
The honest truth
That nature sends.....
Strong winds and umbrellas
Are not the best of friends.......

......and they're not too fond
Of fence panels either!


WEATHER BLETHER

Whether or not the weather is nice,
Sunny and hot or cold as ice,
Whether or not the weather is nasty,
Windy and wet and just plain ghastly,
Whether the weather is whatever it is,
We can look out the window and see what we see,
Or we can weather the blether of the weather forecasters, 
blethering about weather on TV.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

'TIS THE SEASON FOR CHRISTMAS TV ADS

'Tis the season for Christmas ads TV,
Time to roll out the cliches once again,
Goodwill to all children, women and men,
Ho, ho, ho and sentimentality.
Tables laden with tons and tons of food,
Lots of people clinking glasses: "Cheers",
John Lewis tugging heartstrings, maybe tears
As boy with penguin gets us in the mood.
Jingly bells and tinsel set the scene,
Trying for that warm pre-festive swoon,
Our eyes and ears tingle as the screen
Reminds us yer man Santa's coming soon,
But remember, lest business thinks we're green,
These ads were filmed in the middle of June.


Sunday, 9 November 2014

MICK JAGGER'S CHATEAU

The old potter told us
that Mick Jagger's chateau
was not far away,

so we drove towards
Poce sur Cisse in the hope
that we would find it.

We think we did,
squinting through some snatches
of space in a high, thick hedge,

a magnificent white building,
majestic entrance steps,
immaculately tended gardens.

But, alas, in our vain search
for a glimpse or two
of rock star action,

we failed to spot Mick
and we didn't get
no satisfaction.

Friday, 7 November 2014

1967 ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND (LENNON, McCARTNEY, JAGGER, RICHARDS & GIBB)


We would gather
at the coal shed,
three of us, Sunday evenings,
with an out of tune guitar,
a battered cardboard box
and knitting needles for drums,
to sing and play
the hits of the day.

1967,
we were the Beatles,
the Rolling Stones,
the Bee Gees,
we were rubbish,
cack-handed, impromptu, ad-lib
but we were happy in our dreams
to be Lennon, McCartney,
Jagger, Richards and Gibb.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

3 WEE POEMS




FOR A CHANGE

The laugh,
The chuckle,
The guffaw,
The smirk,
The smile,
The grin
Decided for a change
To have a miserable night in.


LOSER

Bought a ticket for the Lottery,
It lost, so what have I gottery,
Er, not a lottery!

BEAR

A polar bear has furry hair
Or else he’d be a polar bare.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

CUDDLY CAT POEMS X 4


1
FEE LINE
The day the cat
swallowed cash
was not a cause for pity
for after all
the end result
was money in the kitty
2
FELINE SORE
A cat chap
had a mishap
with a cat flap
due to back slap
KNIT CAT
Our cat married a ball of wool
because he was totally smitten
and very soon 
they were blessed
by the birth of a newborn mitten
4
PURRFECT
Intelligent cat,
meticulous cat,
when she was writing a letter
would work at the language
and aim for perfection, 
so she would get better and better.

Other cats sneered, 
insulted, derided
and call her a swot and a wuss,
but intelligent cat
stayed calm for she was
content as a grammar puss.