CHUCKALPHABET

From The Chuckle Files book - http://www.feedaread.com/books/The-Chuckle-Files-9781784070496.aspx





CHUCKALPHABET

You can chuck

A B C D E

F G H I J

K M N O P

Q R S T U

V W X Y Z

But they won’t lift

The doom or the gloom.

But when you chuck L,

It brightens up a room.

(FROM "THE CHUCKLE FILES" BOOK) - TOO MANY COOKS

TOO MANY COOKS

Too many cooks spoil the soup,

Ends up a mess, a sort of a gloop,

It’s been suggested it looks like poop

When too many cooks spoil the soup.

Cook 1 decides to boil the water,

Cook 2 throws in a handful of peas,

Cook 3 chops and chucks in the carrots,

Cook 4 is the onion man, if you please,

Cook 5 decides on a bit of curry,

Cook 6 adds leftover sausage and mash,

Cook 7 reckons it needs more salt,

Cook 8 stirs in some corned beef hash,

Cook 9 cracks open several eggs,

Cook 10 squeezes a dollop of mustard

Cook 11 pours in a bottle wine,

Cook 12 fancies a spoonful of custard, 

Cook 13 tips in chocolate buttons

Cook 14 includes a teabag or two,

Cook 15 adds some old mouldy bread,

They all give it a stir and say that’ll do.

Out in the restaurant, diners aren’t suspicious,

They shout “Compliments to the chef,

This soup’s delicious.”

FUNNY POEMS & JOKEY STUFF

The first four books in the covers gallery above are collections if funny poems and jokey stuff for kids of all ages.

All of the books are available to buy from the publisher - 

http://www.feedaread.com/search/books.aspx?phrase=Cushnan

SONNET OF THE MODERN WORLD

The gall of our leaders to change their minds,

once elected to their power posts,

from their shredded manifestos, nothing binds,

promises and pledges thin as ghosts;

We live in times of turmoil, times austere,

of gung-ho wars and fat-cat bankers greed,

we tough it out and look for things to cheer,

considering desire or want or need;

One by one dictators fall from grace,

some by bloody means, by sword and fire,

not certain that the ones that take their place,

have the talents to encourage and inspire.

          But in this world of more bad news than good,

          We have love and must use it as we should.

ROYAL BABY TV COVERAGE

On 22 July, 2013, Prince George of Cambridge was born, the first son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  24/7 rolling news programmes went into overdrive, covering every detail and sometimes filling in with commentary on absolutely nothing – as they do.  This is a little memory of the day as I watched  TV.

Kay Burley* was top girly,

Simon McCoy**, top boy,

All the blah and all the blether,

The mixed fortunes of the weather,

Standing outside the Lindo Wing***,

Waiting for news, anything,

The stalwarts stood their ground and guessed,

Some viewers annoyed, many impressed,

And after all the long, long wait,

There they were, Wills and Kate,

Ending all the guesswork-hooey,

Presenting Prince George Alexander Louis.......

*Sky News presenter

**BBC News presenter

***Part of St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, London

New book of funny poems! Buy now right here:

http://www.feedaread.com/books/The-Chuckle-Files-9781784070496.aspx

The Chuckle Files

By Joe Cushnan

Like my previous volume, Juggling Jelly, some of the poems in this book are funny, some are silly, some are funny and silly....... This is another “pick ‘n’ mix” selection to amuse in a world that cannot have enough smiles. Whilst the collection is for kids of all ages, it has been compiled with audiences of school children in mind - to involve and entertain creative young minds. Having fun with words and writing poetry - now that's a useful combination.

ISBN: 9781784070496

Total Pages: 97

Published: 14 October 2013

ARTS SHOWS, ARTS SHOWS, WHERE ART THOU?

Last night, for those of us interested and “in the know”, BBC2 Northern Ireland (Sky Channel 972) broadcast it’s monthly gem, The Arts Show.  The subject was singer/songwriter Paul Brady, profiled and interviewed by the excellent Marie-Louise Muir.  This show, to the best of my knowledge, is a rarity on BBC and ITV arts and culture output.  Sky Arts channels lead the pack, producing some excellent films and concerts (oft-repeated, but nonetheless welcome) but it annoys me that the UK’s two oldest television broadcasters appear to relegate “culture” to the nether regions of the schedules.  News, weather, sport and assorted dross are clearly much more important than the wondrous marvels from the world of creative arts.

The BBC gives us short bursts of the series Imagine and The Culture Show and a few other smatterings across the year.  ITV, having ditched The South Bank Show (scooped by Sky Arts, but only six at a time), seems to be more interested in celebrity over content and attempts to dupe us into thinking they are making Arts programmes and documentaries.  Sky dumped The Book Show a while ago and, whilst there have been some half-hearted attempts by broadcasters to produce book-themed output, celebrities, rather than writers, seem to occupy the studio sofas.

BBC NI’s The Arts Show (and other regions may well have similar programmes that I’m not aware of) is the perfect template for intelligent, well-crafted, beautifully produced showcases and in recent months it has been a delight to watch poet Seamus Heaney, piper Liam O’Flynn, novelist Colum McCann, painter Colin Davidson, dancer Melissa Hamilton, music producer David Holmes, actress/singer Bronagh Gallagher, actors James Nesbitt, Adrian Dunbar and Richard Dormer, as well as specials about the Ulster-influence on the New York arts scene, Derry’s City of Culture and so much more – a menu of goodness and positive vibes from a wee part of the world that gets more bad publicity than it deserves.

The downside of The Arts Show is that it is monthly and only 30-minutes long.  The upside is that it exists as a shining example of what arts programmes should be and can be across the UK.  In a week of news that literacy levels are alarmingly poor, television has an important role in producing exciting, entertaining and, yes, educational programmes that stimulate creative thinking and nurture an appetite for arts-related activities.

I am from Northern Ireland and I am of there but I live in England.  For many reasons I am drawn to the media output of BBC NI, Radio Ulster, Belfast Telegraph, News Letter and Irish News, as well as keeping myself updated with the vibrant arts scene.  So, thank God for the Internet.  And for satellite TV.  And for programmes like The Arts Show.  Long may it reign.

(Oh, did I mention, for those outside NI, that it’s on Sky Channel 972 or right here at the click of a mouse http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01n3yfg/clips ?

ROLLING IN THE AISLES - EXTRACTS

From the forthcoming book Rolling In The Aisles, Funny Stuff About Shops, Shoppers & Shopping......

In a Waitrose café, sits a pelican,

Whose mouth can hold more than his belly can,

I swear his huge beak

Can store food for a week,

It’s a puzzle to know how the hell he can.

In a record shop near Dundalk,

To a staff member I started to talk,

I said “Scuse me, please,

Have you got the Bee Gees?”,

He said: “No, it’s the way that I walk.”

 

THE CHUCKLE FILES COMING SOON

Very soon, The Chuckle Files book will be out!

Draft cover design

CONTENTS

The Chuckle Files

Chuckle Wisdom….12

Chuckles….15

Not Enough Chuckles On TV….16

Chuck-Chuck-Chuck-Chuck-Chuckles….19

Charlie Chuckles….20

Chuckle-Chortle….22

Chuckalphabet….23

Chuckleburgers….24

Chucklecar….26

A Chuckles Decoration To Hang On Your Christmas Tree….28

The Chants – Simple Activities For

Audience Participation

We Love Reading Chant….30

We Love Writing Chant….32

We Love Learning Chant….34

We Love Books Chant….36

We Love Bookshops Chant….38

We Love Libraries Chant….40

The Poet Gets Applause Activity….42

A Collection Of Funny & Silly Poems

Down Under….45

Did You See The Size Of The Moon Last Night….46

Bluebottle….47

Lad Without An iPad….48

Half….49

Aeroplane Announcement….51

Flu….52

Vac Panic Attack….53

Recipe For Disaster….55

Ding Dong….56

Royal Baby TV Coverage….58

Too Many Cooks…59

7 Deadly Sinners….61

Eye Spy….65

Mighty Kick….66

Just….67

Oh Wheelie….68

Police Ass-istance….69

Comma….70

Green Men….71

In A Supermarket Queue….73

Car Park Bandits…..74

Tube Of Smarties….75

Food I Hate….77

Plum….79

Slow Down….80

Magic Set….81

Blah Blah….82

Harry Host….83

Slow Bowl To China….85

Soapy….87

Let Us Spray….88

Eh?....89

Johnnie Dross….90

Ewe Rascal….92

Warning/Rude Words….93

Well, That’s It For Now….95

PREVIEW OF COVER OF "THE CHUCKLE FILES"

This is a sneak preview of the cover of my forthcoming book of funny/silly verse, written with school visits in mind to encourage fun with words.

More soon.

NATIONAL POETRY DAY POEM

Poets have got their words out,
hip, hip, hip hooray,
poets are have got their words out
on this National Poetry Day.

If you're not a poet yet
don't sit and mope and cry
just get a pen and paper
and give a rhyme a try.

Poets have got their words out,

on this National Poetry Day,

poets are have got their words out

hip, hip, hip hooray.

VAC PANIC ATTACK

From my forthcoming book of funny/silly poems - The Chuckle Files.....

I don’t know if you care,

I don’t know if you’re fussed

But I’m worried our vacuum cleaner’s

Allergic to fluff and dust.

I swear sometimes

I hear it wheeze.

I reckon sometimes

It’s about to sneeze.

Back and forward

Across the floor,

I thought it cried:

“No more, no more.”

Behind the sofa,

Dust and fluff,

Under the bed:

“Enough, enough.” 

I switched it off

And sat it down,

Delivered a lecture

With the sternest frown.

“If you’re unable

To clean a room,

You’ll lose your job,

‘Cos I’ll buy a broom.

“If you’re unable

To clean the floor,

It’s over between us,

I’ll show you the door.

“If you’re unable

To clean a mat,

Well………

That’s that.”

Whatever I said,

The vac, alert with a jerk,

Dusted itself down

And got back to work.

EWE RASCAL

From my forthcoming book of funny/silly verse - The Chuckle Files

Little Bo-Peep

Needed some sleep

To ease her strain and her stress,

She was getting too old

To be out in the cold

Working hard as a shepherdess.

She sat by the fire

Thinking time to retire,

Her old bones saying call it a day,

A little rest would just suit her,

So she switched on the computer

And sold all of her sheep on eBay.

STORM BEFORE THE CALM

The latest, though not the last,
Victim of the vicious blast
And the blaster's scramble for martyr,
Are affronts to the human race.

Is it enough to expect
Compassion out of screaming pain,
To exploit humiliation from distress
In a terrorist's PR effort to impress?

In the beginning was Eden's life-defining sin,
For the engine of life to begin,
For the evolution of the freedom word,
The free pass to the insanity of absurd.

Dressed for the storm before the calm,
The media, the political whore,
Eat dinners and smile for the cameras
As the blood-red sea laps our shore.

We are by the people,
Of the people,
For the people......

We are listening,
you ordinary people,
you fuckwits,
you saps,
little, insignificant twats,
and your votes are important to us
.......
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