THE POEMS OF HAMISH SHEANEY

Comedy poems -

Buy this book from www.feedaread.com

The Poems Of Hamish Sheaney : Remastered & Expanded

By Joe Cushnan

In 2012, I published a book called Hamish Sheaney: The Nearly-Man of Irish Literature. The book began with this disclaimer: Hamish Sheaney may not exist, so it might have been necessary to invent him. Hamish Sheaney might be Joe Cushnan or Joe Cushnan might be Hamish Sheaney. They are never seen in the same room together, but more often than not they are in the same room. Shirt collar, shoe size, dental records and preference for Mini-Cheddars are purely coincidental. The book is still available from www.feedaread.com and via Amazon Kindle. It contains a short biography of Hamish as well as lists of his failed screenplays, literary influences and proverbial wisdom (whizz dumb) quotations. This updated book is a remastered (regurgitated?) and expanded version that concentrates on the nearly-man’s specific biographical and observational poetry, and it leaves out the “and other funny stuff”. So as not to short-change anyone too much, other poems and witty gems have been discovered in a holdall in Hamish’s shed. They are printed here for the first time. Granny Sheaney also makes an appearance with her terse views on life and poetry. Unlike my other books of fun verse - Juggling Jelly, The Chuckle Files, Boxset (Without A Box), etc, this collection is a bit more adult in parts.

ISBN: 9781785100727

Total Pages: 99

Published: 17 September 2014

Price: £5.99

A LOT OF POETS ARE SNOBS.......

A lot of poets are snobs,
too much up their arse in their jobs,
they turn up their noses
at some verses and proses,
when really, they should shut their gobs.

NOISE

This is my comfort world,

my land of chirp and swoosh,


of rustle, hiss, moo and hoot,


of screech, quack and caw.





This is the terrain


of gush, snap, crackle, fizz and splash,


of click-clack, tick-tock, swish and ping,

of splish, squish, squash, ding and clang.





These are the sounds of my shape,

my clank and tinkle, my chomp and sizzle,


my snuffle, whack, thwack and gurgle,


the pitter-patter atchoo of my boom-bang self.

BOOK A POET!

Here is a gallery of my books of funny poems mainly for children but suitable for kids of all ages.

All available via http://www.feedaread.com/ & some from Amazon, Waterstones, Foyles, etc

If you would like to book me to perform the poems in an interactive, entertaining way in schools, libraries, book club meetings, book events, business morale workshops, etc, please contact my booking agent:

Shelley Lee on 01535 656015 ext: 206 or email on shelley@caboodlebooks.co.uk

or me directly joecushnan@aol.com

PERFORMANCE

One hour of reading a selection of poems, some requiring audience participation, and a question and answer session about poetry, reading and writing.

WORKSHOPS IN SCHOOLS & BUSINESSES

One hour (or for business workshops longer) sessions of no more than 25 people and no less than 5 to explore the joys of creative writing, working together to bring poetry ideas to life, performing work written on the day, and a talk from me on why I write, where my ideas come from and how to produce a book at next to no cost.

Businesses may have a need from time to time to find ways to boost morale.  Team working through creative writing is a fun way to get minds refreshed away from the job for a couple of hours.  When fresh minds return to the workplace, a fresh start is possible.

LIBRARY EVENTS

One hour or a little longer for families to spend some creative writing and reading time together, to write poems of any kind together, to express thoughts and feelings, to bring back memories, to write silly poems, funny poems, to read them to the audience together and to enjoy a love of words together.

The event - an evening session, perhaps - would begin with a talk by me on why I write, where my ideas come from and how to produce a book at next to no cost.

GENERAL

There are so many ways to enjoy poetry and so many ways to use and share it.  

Shelley Lee on 01535 656015 ext: 206 or email on shelley@caboodlebooks.co.uk

or me directly joecushnan@aol.com

GOOD REEF

Constance the contortionist

on a gig up in Kircaldy*

was performing all her usual tricks

with her supple rubber body.

But halfway through proceedings,

in a flash of memory lapse,

a leg went left instead of right

and the act veered toward collapse.

One wrong move and what came next

just added to the rot,

for Constance left the stage that night

rolled up in a knot.

(*Some will know but others might not – it’s pronounced Kircaudy)

ESCAPE FROM CALCUTRAZ (OFFICE BOREDOM)

This fun poem was written during a very boring stage in my young life when I was an office clerk - sometimes time dragged and imagination headed towards the surreal.  One day I stared at a calculator and...........


0, 1 and 9
decided on the plan
to make the great escape
but they needed helping hands.

3, 6 and 8
were happy to connive
and they managed to convince
2, 4 and 5.

After much discussion,
with a serious harangue,
7 with reluctance
joined the numbers gang

In the office lunch hour
from a crack under the plus,
the digits made their getaway
minus any fuss.

NO ORDINARY POEM

Just published - available via http://www.feedaread.com/

A few years ago, Marks and Spencer ran some breathy, sexy TV ads.  This poem is based on that idea.

NO ORDINARY POEM

(After Marks & Spencer TV ads)

This is no ordinary poem,

this is a word-filled, playfully written piece,

with delicious mouth-feel and tongue-tingle,

rich with hyphens and a splash-dash of onomatopoeia,

lavished with this poet’s delicate brain-juice,

the creative offal of my heart,

topped with the sour-cream of emotions,

pan-fried in the heat of my passion

grilled for mysteries and meaning

before being stir-fried in the jabber-wok .

No, this is no ordinary poem,

this is a Hamish Sheaney poem.