BOAT RACE FEVER

I must go down to the Thames again, but what’s with all the boats,

and all the crowds on the riverbank wearing their winter coats,

whatever it is I strip to my trunks and dive in undeterred

but instead of applause I get abused, bollocked and severely grrrrd.

So here I am at the Thames again, to the pecker-shriveling river

and all I ask is you watch your oars flaying hither and thither,

and the shouts of idiot and shouts of nutter hardly get me quaking,

but I do object to Oxford and Cambridge threats with fists a-shaking.

Oh what is this, they’ve stopped the race to give me space to swim,

what jolly chaps to be polite, I always thought them dim,

but do I detect impatience here, university huffs and puffs,

and I realise I’ve ballsed the race as the cops slam on the cuffs.

JANUARY KID

I was a January kid,
a Sunday morning baby,
a Capricorn -


practical and prudent,
ambitious and disciplined,
patient and careful,
humorous and reserved


but also


pessimistic and fatalistic,
miserly and grudging.


That was the plan,
a recipe of characteristics,
I am none of it,
I am all of it,
what I will do, am doing, did,
just a January kid.

UNDER THE PRETENCE OF FREEDOM

Under the pretence of freedom,
a few control the many,
keeping tensions heightened,
keeping us all frightened.


They agitate, alarm, appal,
brow beat, bully, chill,
daunt, deter, dismay,
harrow, haunt, horrify,
intimidate, oppress, overawe,
panic, perturb, rattle,
spy, snoop, sneak,
scare, shake, stun,
terrify, terrorise, threaten,
torment, unnerve and keep us on the run.

Under the pretence of freedom,

a few control the many,

keeping tensions heightened,

keeping us all frightened.

RANDOM

"Commentators, columnists, observers, talk radio people

milk subjects until they are bone dry of sense or fact,

their pros and cons twisted, distorted and choked,

and this is the only education provided for millions of citizens,

a media school of opinions built on hills of beans and candy floss foundations."

The world needs freedom of truth more than freedom of speech.

"A woman leaves all her money and belongings to her cat

and the cat is enticed to run a tell-all serial in a tabloid

admitting how much of a bitch she really was."

The seven deadly sins are too delicious and too easy to reach.

ONE STEAK FOR DAVY

"One steak for Davy, no gravy,
one scoop of mashed potato,"
came the daily order 
through the serving hatch to the kitchen,
same man, same dinner,
every day for years,
Davy from the bus depot,
old hand, nobody's fool,
in the local chippy
where I worked after school.

"One steak for Davy, no gravy,

one scoop of mashed potato,"

an epitaph for a simple man

who had no fear of a frying pan.

UNCHRISTIAN BROTHER

A teacher from long, long ago
carried a stiff leather strap,
he was more of a gunslinging guy
who was swift to give us a slap.


He was super-fast, quick on the draw
for slow learning or giggling in class,
lost homework or picking your nose,
dozing or scratching your ass.


You would stand, hand out, palm up
as he took two or three practice swings,
then four rapid thumps 'cross your fingers
guaranteed lasting bruises and stings.


It taught us all about discipline,
it taught us about wrong and right,
he was one of the best of our teachers
but also a sadistic wee shite.

ALL HELL

All hell let loose -
something that's happened
many times in history,
all hell, every bit of it,
all of it, time and time again,
all of it, but it never runs out,
an endless, relentless supply.
And just when we think it's over,
bang, yet more hell's let loose,
on and on and on and on.