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Saturday, 7 April 2012


I must go down to the Thames again, but what’s with all the boats,
and all the crowds on the riverbank wearing their winter coats,
whatever it is I strip to my trunks and dive in undeterred
but instead of applause I get abused, bollocked and severely grrrrd.

So here I am at the Thames again, to the pecker-shriveling river
and all I ask is you watch your oars flaying hither and thither,
and the shouts of idiot and shouts of nutter hardly get me quaking,
but I do object to Oxford and Cambridge threats with fists a-shaking.

Oh what is this, they’ve stopped the race to give me space to swim,
what jolly chaps to be polite, I always thought them dim,
but do I detect impatience here, university huffs and puffs,
and I realise I’ve ballsed the race as the cops slam on the cuffs.

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