GOING OFF ALARMING BY DANNY BAKER

Going Off Alarming

by Danny Baker

Weidenfeld & Nicolson

I've just finished this second volume of autobiography (continuing on from Going To Sea In A Sieve) by Danny Baker.  It has been another enjoyable bus tour through his "crackpot life", fizzing and crackling with experiences, yarns, japes and jibes told with energy and flamboyance in his own inimitable way.  We get glimpses of his family life and snapshots of his adventures in the media, mostly told with a keen and cheeky eye on a juicy punchline.

It is impossible, to me anyway, not to read it without hearing the razor-sharp, rat-a-tat-tat delivery that is his trademark....and the book is all the better for it.

We are reminded of his TV and radio shows, his hirings and firings, his nose-thumbing at authority and pompous prigs and his encounters with some famous people along the way. He has earned money and spent it with glee as a devoted family man, faithful friend, magnanimous host and lover of life.

Whether it is Pets Win Prizes, Win, Lose or Draw or the Daz doorstep challenge, the many radio shows or his writing credentials, Danny Baker is a master broadcaster and storyteller via the gob or the nib.

The book is full of great tales, (although, there is a rather overstretched chapter concerning the family dog). The chapter appraising his friend Paul Gascoigne is funny, honest and sincere, a fine piece of writing on its own.

But, the book should carry a WARNING. If you read it in public, you might suddenly laugh out loud, so be prepared for stares and harumphs, if you do.

ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS - VALENTINE - LOVE SONGS

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)


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Today's sample:

LOVE SONGS

Ob la di, ob la da,

shang a lang,

a wop bop a loo bop a wop bam boom,

Scaramouche, Scaramouche,

be bop a lula,

de do do do, de da da da,

do wah diddy diddy,

coo ca choo,

sha la la la lee,

da do run run.

Can I be any clearer, my darling?

ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS - VALENTINE - MISS UNDERSTOOD

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)


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MISS UNDERSTOOD

She raised her hands

to strangle and throttle:

"So, you think I have

a face like a bottle?"

Oh no, my love,

'twas one of my quips,

you've a face that launched

a thousand ships."

Alas, alack, she stormed out of the room

and I walked the proverbial plank,

our love boat had sprung an embarrassing leak

and I watched as it tragically sank.

GRANNY'S SNUFF AND GRANDA'S STAMMER

GRANNY RACHEL

Granny would put two dots

of snuff on her left-hand thumb,

hankie ready in her right hand,

and with two rapid sniffs,

the brown dust disappeared,

inhaled, a satisfying fix

followed by a hefty nose blow.

In the years after World War Two,

when a generation had had enough,

people were entitled to enjoyment 

and for Rachel, my Granny Millar, 

it was two occasional dots of snuff.

GRANDA TOMMY

We didn't call him Grandfather or even Grandad. He was Granda, my mother's father. He was a small, slight man but with the work ethic and grit of somebody twice his size. I remember he did the annual wallpapering and decorating in our house, always with a cheery demeanour, the occasional whistle and, every now and then, a song to himself. He had a stammer, quite severe at times, but that made him all the more endearing. He would give opinions and tell stories, sometimes struggling with certain words that simply refused to roll off the tongue. But, and I recall this very clearly, at a family do, he sang the song Nellie Dean and it was beautiful, even to a young kid like me. When he sang this simple little tune, the stammer was dead. Instead, he had the sweet voice of a tenor, unforced and pitch-perfect. "There's an old mill by the stream, Nellie Dean," he sang and, you know, he looked happy and content, a small man but a great Granda. 

DING DONG DUNG

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)


TO LOOK INSIDE, PLEASE GO TO AMAZON......

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DING DONG DUNG

This farmer’s daughter was swayed and wooed

And said yes to a proposal of marriage.

Came the day of the wedding, she was all prepared

And off she was whisked in a carriage.

As the groom was waiting at the altar rail,

There came a whiff from the door,

As the bride approached, the smell got stronger,

An aroma you couldn’t ignore.

Said the groom to the bride: “Is that manure on your head?”,

Just as the bells were rung,

“Why yes,” said the farmer’s daughter,

 “I’ve just had my hair dung.”

SAID ELVIS TO THE BUTCHER - VALENTINE XXXX

In time for Valentine's Day, a little book of laughs and a few tender moments.

Kindle download link:

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Soon in paperback here:

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The Cover

The Blurb

"Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's Day & beyond. I was trying to think of a snappy title for this little book. Last year, I published a Christmas amusement called Only Yules & Verses, a slight take on a famous television series title. So, I went back to the pun trough once again. It’s a quirky collection in need of a quirky title. There aren’t many drools in here nor nether-garments, knickers, nor swear words nor anything blatantly offensive – unless the word fart causes distress. Most of this book tries to be funny. The last several pages are a little more thoughtful. I hope you enjoy the selection and share it with those you love." 

A Sample:

UH HU HU

Said Elvis to the butcher:

“I think I’ve had enough,

With these mail order steaks,

They’re always mighty tough.”

Said the butcher in reply:

“Just return to sender

And I’ll make a mental note

that Elvis loves meat tender.”

HEY YOU! BITTER ABOUT LITTER

Just back from a long walk this morning and, once again, I'm apoplectic about litter. So, I've no qualms about repeating this.......

BITTER ABOUT LITTER

A while ago, I wrote this poem about litter:

Hey you,

Yes you,

You who tossed away

The carrier bag,

The cigarette end,

The leaflet,

The receipt,

The free newspaper,

The can,

The bottle,

The sausage roll wrapper,

Pick up your litter, scruff,

Or I’ll flush you

down the crapper.

I'm just back from a walk in a beautiful country park and I took a note of these items, discarded along the way:

crisp packet,

Aero chocolate wrapper

plastic water bottle

Coca-Cola bottle

coffee cup

leaflet

another Coca-Cola bottle

tissues

Polo mint wrapper

water bottle label

another water bottle label

yet another water bottle label

handkerchief

train ticket

J-cloth

receipt

chewing gun wrapper

plastic carrier bag

plastic bread bag

cellophane salad bag

chocolate eclair sweet wrapper

I refer you to the last three lines of the poem above.