THE SMILE POEMS #7 - VAMPIRE

Available for freelance writing commissions on a variety of subjects including family history, nostalgic Belfast and its famous people, shops, shoppers & shopping (40 years in retailing), the golden age of Hollywood (including westerns) and humorous pieces on life's weird and wonderful. Op-eds, columns, non-fiction book reviews too. 

joecushnan@aol.com & @JoeCushnan

I have a portfolio of features, reviews, poetry and short fiction published in all sorts of places - Belfast Telegraph, Tribune, Ireland's Own, Dalhousie Review, Fairlight Books, Reader's Digest, Reality, Lapwing Poetry, Ink, Sweat & Tears, Spillwords, Dear Reader, Amethyst Review, Black Bough, to name a selection.  Oh, and the odd BBC radio contribution. I wrote a book on retailing, on dealing with job losses and a biography of film star Stephen Boyd.

This is a series of (hopefully) funny poems from hundreds I've written over the years (inspired by the likes of Spike Milligan and Roger McGough) to provoke a smile in these odd times.

VAMPIRE

Vampire was always hungry,

From all that nightshift work he did,

He liked a hearty supper

Before he closed his coffin lid.

His wife made him a feast,

Endless dishes on a conveyor

And he ate everything in sight,

Vampire, the buffet slayer.

Text © Joe Cushnan 2020

THE SMILE POEMS #6 - DIZZY SPINSTER

Available for freelance writing commissions on a variety of subjects including family history, nostalgic Belfast and its famous people, shops, shoppers & shopping (40 years in retailing), the golden age of Hollywood (including westerns) and humorous pieces on life's weird and wonderful. Op-eds, columns, non-fiction book reviews too. 

joecushnan@aol.com & @JoeCushnan

I have a portfolio of features, reviews, poetry and short fiction published in all sorts of places - Belfast Telegraph, Tribune, Ireland's Own, Dalhousie Review, Fairlight Books, Reader's Digest, Reality, Lapwing Poetry, Ink, Sweat & Tears, Spillwords, Dear Reader, Amethyst Review, Black Bough, to name a selection.  Oh, and the odd BBC radio contribution. I wrote a book on retailing, on dealing with job losses and a biography of film star Stephen Boyd.

This is a series of (hopefully) funny poems from hundreds I've written over the years (inspired by the likes of Spike Milligan and Roger McGough) to provoke a smile in these odd times.

DIZZY SPINSTER

She was my mother’s sister,

But she suffered this affliction,

Where she couldn’t stop herself

From her spinning-round addiction.

She’d have a get-up spin at dawn,

Then spin all through the day,

She’d spin to bed at bedtime

And spin the night away. 

I said: “You’ve got to stop that.”

She said: “I’ve tried, I can’t.” 

You see, my mother’s sister

Was indeed my giddy aunt.

 

Text © Joe Cushnan 2020

THE SMILE POEMS #5 - BATH WATER

Available for freelance writing commissions on a variety of subjects including family history, nostalgic Belfast and its famous people, shops, shoppers & shopping (40 years in retailing), the golden age of Hollywood (including westerns) and humorous pieces on life's weird and wonderful. Op-eds, columns, non-fiction book reviews too. 

joecushnan@aol.com & @JoeCushnan

I have a portfolio of features, reviews, poetry and short fiction published in all sorts of places - Belfast Telegraph, Tribune, Ireland's Own, Dalhousie Review, Fairlight Books, Reader's Digest, Reality, Lapwing Poetry, Ink, Sweat & Tears, Spillwords, Dear Reader, Amethyst Review, Black Bough, to name a selection.  Oh, and the odd BBC radio contribution. I wrote a book on retailing, on dealing with job losses and a biography of film star Stephen Boyd.

This is a series of (hopefully) funny poems from hundreds I've written over the years (inspired by the likes of Spike Milligan and Roger McGough) to provoke a smile in these odd times.

BATH WATER

Well, you see,

It was like this,

It was a busy time,

Not enough hours

In the day,

Only two hands,

Mind all over the place.....

You see,

I threw out the bath water

And then couldn't find the baby.....

You don't think,

Cough, splutter,

Perhaps,

Maybe...........

Text © Joe Cushnan 2020

THE SMILE POEMS #4 - NERVOUS ASTRONAUT

Available for freelance writing commissions on a variety of subjects including family history, nostalgic Belfast and its famous people, shops, shoppers & shopping (40 years in retailing), the golden age of Hollywood (including westerns) and humorous pieces on life's weird and wonderful. Op-eds, columns, non-fiction book reviews too. 

joecushnan@aol.com & @JoeCushnan

I have a portfolio of features, reviews, poetry and short fiction published in all sorts of places - Belfast Telegraph, Tribune, Ireland's Own, Dalhousie Review, Fairlight Books, Reader's Digest, Reality, Lapwing Poetry, Ink, Sweat & Tears, Spillwords, Dear Reader, Amethyst Review, to name a selection.  Oh, and the odd BBC radio contribution. I wrote a book on retailing, on dealing with job losses and a biography of film star Stephen Boyd.

This is a series of (hopefully) funny poems from hundreds I've written over the years (inspired by the likes of Spike Milligan and Roger McGough) to provoke a smile in these odd times.

NERVOUS ASTRONAUT

Ten…

The astronaut breathes a long slow sigh

Nine…

Not long ‘til the rocket’s in the sky

Eight…

The final checklist has been ticked

Seven…

Nervous lips have just been licked

Six…

Dashboard alive with noise and light

Five…

Nervous spaceman’s first Moon flight

Four…

It’s noisy now he’s at four

Three…

The engine builds into a roar

Two…

Butterflies wrestling in his tummy

One…

Astronaut cries: “I want my Mummy.”

Text © Joe Cushnan 2020

THE SMILE POEMS #3 - WILBUR SMITHEREENS, TRACTION MAN

Available for freelance writing commissions on a variety of subjects including family history, nostalgic Belfast and its famous people, shops, shoppers & shopping (40 years in retailing), the golden age of Hollywood (including westerns) and humorous pieces on life's weird and wonderful. Op-eds, columns, non-fiction book reviews too. 

joecushnan@aol.com & @JoeCushnan

I have a portfolio of features, reviews, poetry and short fiction published in all sorts of places - Belfast Telegraph, Tribune, Ireland's Own, Dalhousie Review, Fairlight Books, Reader's Digest, Reality, Lapwing Poetry, Ink, Sweat & Tears, Spillwords, Dear Reader, Amethyst Review, to name a selection.  Oh, and the odd BBC radio contribution. I wrote a book on retailing, on dealing with job losses and a biography of film star Stephen Boyd.

This is a series of (hopefully) funny poems from hundreds I've written over the years (inspired by the likes of Spike Milligan and Roger McGough) to provoke a smile in these odd times.

WILBUR SMITHEREENS, TRACTION MAN

Wilbur Smithereens,

Author of action,

Reflected on life

In hospital traction.

Unlike his heroes,

All rugged and brawn,

He stood on a rake

While tending the lawn.

The thwack of the rake

Sent him reeling back,

In the haze of the daze

He tripped over a sack.

He landed and started

A skateboard in motion,

Smashed off a wall

And increased the commotion.

A plant until then

Balanced safe on the wall

Wobbled then toppled 

On top of it all.

Concussed and confused,

He lay wilted and limp,

Not a hero to cheer

But a real life wimp.

Text © Joe Cushnan 2020

THE SMILE POEMS #2 - PHONE ALONE

Available for freelance writing commissions on a variety of subjects including family history, nostalgic Belfast and its famous people, shops, shoppers & shopping (40 years in retailing), the golden age of Hollywood (including westerns) and humorous pieces on life's weird and wonderful. Op-eds, columns, non-fiction book reviews too. 

joecushnan@aol.com & @JoeCushnan

I have a portfolio of features, reviews, poetry and short fiction published in all sorts of places - Belfast Telegraph, Tribune, Ireland's Own, Dalhousie Review, Fairlight Books, Reader's Digest, Reality, Lapwing Poetry, Ink, Sweat & Tears, Spillwords, Dear Reader, Amethyst Review, to name a selection.  Oh, and the odd BBC radio contribution. I wrote a book on retailing, on dealing with job losses and a biography of film star Stephen Boyd.

This is a series of (hopefully) funny poems from hundreds I've written over the years (inspired by the likes of Spike Milligan and Roger McGough) to provoke a smile in these odd times.

PHONE ALONE

Alexander Graham Bell

On a night in all alone,

Whilst doodling with some bric-a-brac,

Made a telephone.

But he found it was as useless

As a waxwork in the sun,

His telephone failed until

He made another one.

Text © Joe Cushnan 2020

THE SMILE POEMS #1 - DRUM BURST

Available for freelance writing commissions on a variety of subjects including family history, nostalgic Belfast and its famous people, shops, shoppers & shopping (40 years in retailing), the golden age of Hollywood (including westerns) and humorous pieces on life's weird and wonderful. Op-eds, columns, non-fiction book reviews too. 

joecushnan@aol.com & @JoeCushnan

I have a portfolio of features, reviews, poetry and short fiction published in all sorts of places - Belfast Telegraph, Tribune, Ireland's Own, Dalhousie Review, Fairlight Books, Reader's Digest, Reality, Lapwing Poetry, Ink, Sweat & Tears, Spillwords, Dear Reader, Amethyst Review, to name a selection.  Oh, and the odd BBC radio contribution. I wrote a book on retailing, on dealing with job losses and a biography of film star Stephen Boyd.

This is a series of (hopefully) funny poems from hundreds I've written over the years (inspired by the likes of Spike Milligan and Roger McGough) to provoke a smile in these odd times.

DRUM BURST

He practised drums for hours,

Morning, noon and night,

Banging away at his drum kit

With all his blessed might.

No time for any breakfast,

No lunch, no dinner, no treats,

No time for tea or coffee,

Just boom-tish-boom-tish beats 

But things eventually took a turn,

Just after a paradiddle,

Three days after this session began,

He was bursting for a piddle.



Text © Joe Cushnan 2020