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Tuesday, 21 January 2014

12 (WELL, 13) DAYS OF COURTING

From Only Drools & Corsets (Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's, etc)

Only Drools & Corsets
TO LOOK INSIDE, PLEASE GO TO AMAZON......




A sort of tale of the unexpected................


On the FIRST day of courting,
My true love sent to me
A gift box
With a small lock of her hair.

On the SECOND day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the THIRD day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the FOURTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the FIFTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the SIXTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the SEVENTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the EIGHTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the NINTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the TENTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Ten empty beer cans,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the ELEVENTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Eleven ultimatums,
Ten empty beer cans,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair. 

On the TWELFTH day of courting,
My true love sent to me,
Twelve effigies,
Eleven ultimatums,
Ten empty beer cans,
Nine blobs of earwax,
Eight olive pips,
Seven toothpicks chewed,
Six bitten toffees,
Five laddered stockings,
Four eyelash trimmings,
Three tear-stained tissues,
Two nail clippings
And a gift box
With a small lock of her hair.

On the THIRTEENTH day of courting,
I don’t know what she sent,
'Cos the strain and the stress
Made me change my address
And in answer to the choice –
Man or mouse? Mouse.
But at least a mouse
In a police safe house!

Friday, 17 January 2014

SAMPLE VALENTINE POEM - ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS


Sample poem from Only Drools & Corsets:

IN THE BRINY, VALENTINY SEA

Even underneath the sea,
Creatures love to play
And indulge in a little wooing
On St Valentine’s Day.

I think I’ve got this right,
As far as I understand,
An octopus’s favourite song
Is “I want to hold your
Hand, hand, hand, hand,
Hand, hand, hand, hand.


In time for Valentine's Day, a little book of laughs and a few tender moments.

Kindle download link:


Soon in paperback here:



The Cover


Product Details
 




The Blurb

"Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's Day & beyond. I was trying to think of a snappy title for this little book. Last year, I published a Christmas amusement called Only Yules & Verses, a slight take on a famous television series title. So, I went back to the pun trough once again. It’s a quirky collection in need of a quirky title. There aren’t many drools in here nor nether-garments, knickers, nor swear words nor anything blatantly offensive – unless the word fart causes distress.
Most of this book tries to be funny. The last several pages are a little more thoughtful. I hope you enjoy the selection and share it with those you love." 

Thursday, 16 January 2014

POEM FROM "ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS"

Another sample poem from Only Drools & Corsets:


COMPARING

Here I sit in the UK,
Comparing you to a summer’s day –

You have a face like thunder,
You have highs and lows,
You fluctuate
Like the drifting snows.

You’re cold as ice,
You’re mercurial, chronic,
You’ve got rainbow eyes
From gins and tonic.

You’re dense as fog,
You’re an ice-cold blast,
Hard to predict
Like the weather forecast.

You’re a tidal wave,
You’re sleet and hail,
And every notch
On the Richter scale.

You’re foggy and frosty,
You’re murky and misty
And I can’t recall
When you last kissed me.

As I compare you,
Think I’ve got you pinned,
And by the way,
You have terrible wind.




In time for Valentine's Day, a little book of laughs and a few tender moments.

Kindle download link:


Soon in paperback here:



The Cover


Product Details





The Blurb

"Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's Day & beyond. I was trying to think of a snappy title for this little book. Last year, I published a Christmas amusement called Only Yules & Verses, a slight take on a famous television series title. So, I went back to the pun trough once again. It’s a quirky collection in need of a quirky title. There aren’t many drools in here nor nether-garments, knickers, nor swear words nor anything blatantly offensive – unless the word fart causes distress.
Most of this book tries to be funny. The last several pages are a little more thoughtful. I hope you enjoy the selection and share it with those you love." 

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

ONLY DROOLS & CORSETS - LOVE, VALENTINE'S, ETC

In time for Valentine's Day, a little book of laughs and a few tender moments.

Kindle download link:


Soon in paperback here:



The Cover


Product Details





The Blurb

"Funny poems and silly stuff about love, Valentine's Day & beyond. I was trying to think of a snappy title for this little book. Last year, I published a Christmas amusement called Only Yules & Verses, a slight take on a famous television series title. So, I went back to the pun trough once again. It’s a quirky collection in need of a quirky title. There aren’t many drools in here nor nether-garments, knickers, nor swear words nor anything blatantly offensive – unless the word fart causes distress.
Most of this book tries to be funny. The last several pages are a little more thoughtful. I hope you enjoy the selection and share it with those you love." 


A Sample:


UH HU HU


Said Elvis to the butcher:
“I think I’ve had enough,
With these mail order steaks,
They’re always mighty tough.”

Said the butcher in reply:
“Just return to sender
And I’ll make a mental note
that Elvis loves meat tender.”



Sunday, 5 January 2014

THREE-DAY LIFE


In this life
of ups and downs,
of joy and sorrow,
we have only three days -
yesterday,
today
and tomorrow.