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Tuesday 5 January 2016

MANIFESTJOE - STOP LIFE'S NONSENSE




This little book - I call it my 'manifestJoe' gets quite a lot off my chest about the irritations and frustrations of modern life. From its 90 pages, I've pasted some examples after the blurb below. Come on, help me untie life's knots.

"Beware of the Bull: Random Thoughts About Modern Life, If Thinking Aloud Is Still Allowed" by Joe Cushnan

The full title of this book is really ‘Beware of the Bullshit’ because bs is all around us. We are swimming, sometimes drowning in an ocean of political correctness + made-up rules by officialdom + opinions shouted, tweeted et al to sound like facts from every Dick and Dora + bandwagon-jumping politicians sounding tough or smarmy + advertising executives scaring us to death in a bid to get us to buy cure-all stuff + daily frustrations and irritations to drive us to the brink of insanity, and on and on and on. We must be on our guard because every second of every day someone is trying to manipulate us to hand over our votes, our loyalties, our personal information and especially our money, or they are just annoying oiks getting in the way of a simple life. Resist this nonsense. Beware of the bull. This book identifies some of it in my humble and, at times, not so humble opinion. But above all else, with a few serious jabs, this is a joke book. Feel free to laugh at my funny random thoughts about modern life. Laughing is still allowed, at least for the time being.

*****

Stop treating libraries as community hubs, crèches, nurseries, playgrounds, youth clubs, silver surfer sanctuaries and gigantic phone booths. They are places for books, reading, study, quiet contemplation, not indoor playgrounds for kids to run around in or places for adults to shout into their mobile phones, chat loudly or cackle uncontrollably. Sssssshhhhh.
*
Stop buying personalised car number plates. A55 H0LE5.
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Stop reinventing, reshaping, remoulding and rewriting Star Trek. We get it. We got it a long time ago. These days the pointy-ear guy must be offending somebody. Enough. And don't get me started about Sherlock Holmes!
*
Stop wasting political party money on printing manifestos that will be shredded the day after elections. Fewer manifestos, a decline in supplies of shredded paper and a hamster cage bedding crisis is the worst scenario.
 *
Stop the bandits who install ‘no change given’ ticket machines in car parks and elsewhere. It’s called stealing.
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Stop referring to every new album release as ‘essential’. Essential is food, clothing and shelter. CDs are way, way down the list unless you eat them, make a coat out of them or build an igloo with them.
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Stop celebrity fitness DVDs. Just stop.
*

Stop actors pretending to drink scalding coffee out of obviously empty cups. Acting school should give lessons in how to sip hot beverages realistically rather than ignore that annoying thing where the actor buys the coffee and immediately starts to drink it with the cup at a 90-degree angle to the mouth.

*
Stop crowding entrances to buildings with your gangs of smokers. You smoke if you want to. I’ll not smoke because I prefer not to. But spare me the jog through your fog-smog whilst holding my breath, otherwise I’ll fart my way in and see how that goes down.
*
Get my drift? 

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